It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

“It’s okay to not be okay” my favorite clothing store recently released a hoodie with this saying on it. I’ve seen it before, but I think now it’s the first time I’ve I’ve really seen and thought about it. What does that mean? Do I agree with this statement? As a mother, or even as a human, I have never given myself the grace to let myself feel the feelings I am. I can tell you all the bad things my ex’s have drilled into my brain but to be honest with you I am just as hard on myself if not more so than they ever were.

Growing up my mother made it look so easy to have it together. I know now that that is just what mothers do. They act like they have their lives together even when they’re falling apart. They take care of everyone else even when they don’t have anything left of themselves to give. If they’re hurt they take care of your wounds first. If you’re crying they give you the tissue to wipe away your tears first. Moms can’t be falling apart, if they do who is going to mom??!!

But that is BULLSHIT. Even though you are a mom, you still deserve to have feelings. You are still going to have rough days, you are still going to cry, and you are still going to get depressed. Being a mom isn’t a bandaid. It isn’t the cure. Sometimes motherhood can even make these feelings worse. You’re stressed from being a mom. You wish someone would bring you soup when you are sick. You just want to scream and cry and throw yourself on the floor, but someone told you you’re an adult and you’re not allowed to have big feelings like that anymore.

I am constantly reminding myself that I am the adult now. When I am feeling whatever negative feeling I’m feeling I tell myself to push that way down. No one cares if you don’t want to get out of bed today. Shit needs to get done. The kids still need to be fed, changed, and dressed. The house needs to be cleaned. I need to work. Etc etc etc. It never ends and it is never enough.

If you are in this same boat with me today, I just want you to know it is okay to feel like this. It is okay to not be okay. We aren’t just moms, we are human. We deserve the same amount of grace that we give everyone else every single day. The kids still may need to be taken care of, so take care of them. Get them dressed, fed and changed. But don’t take that shower. Don’t change your clothes today. Put on some cartoons. Do one thing for yourself on that day you are not okay.

This all doesn’t need to just apply to moms either. Sometimes dads may feel this way. Or people who aren’t even parents. I think we are our own toughest critics and everyone deserves that opportunity to just take care of themselves and not worry about anyone else.

Dating after a toxic relationship

If you have been keeping up with my blog posts, or know me, then you know that I am divorced. My relationship with my husband was not a healthy one. He was very toxic, and it effected me in ways I wouldn’t know until I started dating again. I waited until I was separated for a year to really start dating again. I had flings here and there but nothing even worth mentioning. I don’t think it matters how long you decide to wait, it should be whenever you think you are ready. But I was ready at around the year mark.

Some people might be wondering how I knew I was ready.

1. I had done some work on myself. I knew what needed fixing and I started working on changing those things.

2. I no longer were looking at my kids as baggage. I’ve had a few single mom friends who have started dating again. Something I’ve talked about with almost all of them is, how is another man going to love me with (insert # of kids)? Your kids are not baggage. They are amazing and worthy of loving. Any guy you date will see that as well. If they don’t they aren’t the guy for you.

3. I wasn’t just wanting someone to comfort me at night. I wanted someone with me all the time. At breakfast. At my children’s meltdowns. Shopping for groceries. Diaper changes. Movie nights. Dinner. Trips to the park. Trips to the mall. Holiday activities. Depression. Sadness, and my happy times too.

Dating apps are a nightmare! You either get the guy who thinks he’s the shit and sends you a picture of his junk right off the bat, you can also get the guy who thinks he is shit, has been working at McDonald’s his whole life and has no motivation to do anything with his life. Or my favorite, the guy who seems perfect and is everything you wanted but ghosts you after meeting or texting for a while. I can tell you that I’ve talked to all three guys and none of those options are good ones.

It’s easy to get discouraged after running into these three guys. Most of my friends have. Maybe I should just stop trying there is no one out there for me. I remember thinking that often. Dating just didn’t seem worth the hassle anymore.

After a couple months on dating sites I was ready to give up. An advertisement for “hinge” appeared in my Facebook news feed. I have seen it several times before, but had ignored it. This time I thought why the heck not? What did I really have to lose at this point? Absolutely nothing. I downloaded it and started talking to this guy Alan. We hit it off right away. We scheduled our first date after a week of texting. I hadn’t been on a first date since my ex husband so it was super scary. My mom and friends kept trying to remind me that even if this didn’t work out at least I got away from the kids for a bit. Which was true. Who cares how the date goes if it means a break? The date went great though. He texted me immediately after to let me know what a great time we had and we even scheduled a second date for the following week.

Six months later here we are. I’m still dating Alan. He loves my kids just as much as he loves me. He changes diapers, he gets up with the kids at night, he buys them anything they need. He scratches the parts I can’t itch. He rubs my feet tells me he loves me. He cooks me dinner and paints pumpkins with us even if he does think it’s silly. He communicates with me. If I look in another guys direction he doesn’t get mad at me. If I leave the house he isn’t blowing up my phone asking where I am. I’m allowed to spend my money how I please. I can talk to my mom without getting attitude. I can hang out with my friends. I can have friends!

A lot of this stuff is things that are standard. I want you to know that I know this, and I want you to know this in case you don’t. Alan isn’t doing anything special. He’s not the perfect guy. He just does what he is supposed to be doing. He does what all of you reading this deserve. A man should be doing all of the stuff I mentioned. If he isn’t then he isn’t someone you should be wasting your time on.

I think it’s hard to not jump into the first relationship that presents itself. But dont unless it’s the right one for you. Dont date someone just because you don’t think someone else is out there willing to put up with you. Don’t date someone just because he’s the first guy who went on a third date with you. Don’t settle. That is how you got back here in the first place. You are worthy. You deserve the world. If you are not ready for dating that is fine too. Don’t rush yourself you will get there. But if you are, hold out for someone good.

6 things I wish I had known before having baby #2

Either you are pregnant with your second child, are planning on having a second child, or you have a second child and can relate to this. Today I am going to talk about what I wish I had known before I had my second child.

*disclaimer, this will not apply to everyone these are just my thoughts and experiences* *most of these are only relevant to younger kids*

1. The messes become messier- you must be thinking, duh. With two kids you probably would expect things to be messier. There’s two of them. Let me explain though.

•When you’re potty training your toddler and he has an accident on the floor, your second child will see a cool puddle and start to play in it! My advice for this: quickly remove baby and then tend to the toddler who just peed all over himself.

•When you have both kids eating in their high chairs one of them will always reach over to the other ones tray and start making a mess of the food. my advice: separate the high chairs!

•when you give the toddler a snack in the side by side double stroller more than likely their younger sibling will want some as well. They will grab the snack from your toddler and the snack will spill all over the floor. My advice: give toddler the snack out of the stroller.

2. The cries become louder. Yup. As expected. There’s not just one crying kid, there are two. They both cry at the same time. If one starts you can bet $5 they other will follow suit. If you don’t know what stress is you will after this happens. My advice: let them cry. Leave the room.

3. You can’t compare your youngest to your oldest. But you will anyways. You’ll remember everything that your oldest was doing at this time and wonder why your youngest isn’t doing it. My advice: every baby & child grows at their own rate and does things on their own timeline. They don’t care about keeping up with their sibling, neither should you.

4. There will be no quick trips ANYWHERE. Never again will you just go in for a candy bar at the gas station. Now you have TWO kids to get out of the car. You have to put both kids in the car, take them out, and then put them in, only to take them back out again!! How exhausting!!

5. Your heart will make room for two children. I have mentioned in a previous post the anxieties that can come from having a second child. One of those worries I had was am I going to love this second child as much as I did the first? Absolutely. Your heart will grow. My advice: relax. Breathe. Know that it’s okay to have this worry because you absolutely are not alone.

6. Your kids will love each other. BUT they will also fight. It will depend on how they’re feeling at the second. One minute they will be fighting over the cocomelon toy, and the next they will be hugging. My advice: watch them closely. Don’t leave them alone together. Encourage older sibling to help in the care of the younger one.

If you had your second child already I’d love to hear things you wish you had known or what you have figured out along the way! If you’re expecting I would be happy to listen to some of your worries.